Between the ages of 12-18 months, children are in the beginning stages of the sensitive period for toilet learning. This does not mean they are necessarily ready to begin a transition to underwear full time, but rather they have a stronger interest around toileting and awareness around their bodily functions. This is a great time to begin to invite your toddler to sit on the toilet after diaper changes or to sit on a smaller potty in the bathroom after a diaper change. This is also a great time to allow your toddler to sit on a small potty in the bathroom while you use the toilet to start making connections around what happens in the bathroom. You may even have your toddler help you flush the toilet and wash their hands along with you to help them begin to understand and internalize the process of toileting. The more you normalize using the toilet, the language surrounding toileting (body parts, bodily functions, and narrating what you are doing), the more natural the whole process will be for your toddler.
At around 18-24 months, most toddlers will begin to develop the ability to control their bodily functions more and have just a better awareness around what is happening and when. At this time, they typically have stronger language abilities and may be able to better vocalize that they need to use the bathroom (although not fully necessary for the success of the process). This is also typically the time right before the majority of boundary testing and power struggles that come along with turning two. Within the Montessori community, this is the typical time to begin that transition to underwear during the day time.* After turning two, they are out of the sensitive period for toilet learning in that their bodies have become very accustomed to using a diaper instead of the toilet and they no longer have as great of an interest in toileting.
If you are reading this and your child is older than the timeframe I gave or is about to be out of that timeframe, take a deep breath. It is OK. You have done nothing inherently wrong and your child will still learn to use the toilet. The process may be filled with more power struggles and more pushback, but the same progression, empathy, patience, guidance, and love will still apply no matter your child's age.
Besides age, there are other readiness factors that will contribute to your child's success at toilet learning. Are they able to walk independently to get themselves to the toilet (or have the ability to get their bodies there independently)? Can they communicate in some way (whether verbally or through signs) that they need to use the potty? Are they showing interest in the potty/letting you know that they have to go or are going?
Equally as importantly as their readiness is the readiness of the parent or caregiver who will be helping guide the child through this process. Do you have the time to dedicate to this process? Also, your sense of confidence and leadership in this will play a big role in your child's ability to feel confident about their abilities. If you're under a lot of pressure or stress from outside influences, this may not be the time to start the process. Also, if you're due with a baby or about to have another big life change (like moving) within the next three months, it is said that it is best to wait until at least three months after that major life change to begin the toilet learning process. If you are feeling stressed about a timeline or another outside force, your child will feel that stressful energy and it may make what should be a joyful learning experience into one that feels negative and stressful for them.
You must understand, as the prepared adult, that your role is to guide them in their journey of this process. You cannot force them to unwillingly go on the potty by control, force, or manipulation. Their bodies are their own. You are there to show them how to use it, what to do, and to prompt their use by your observation of their body language and how long it has been since they last used the toilet. However, it will be up to them to make the connection between the feeling of needing to go and communicating that need by either telling you or by taking their bodies to the toilet. Below I will outline how that might look, but at the end of the day it'll feel like much less of a negative experience if you acknowledge this as a milestone similar to any other in their lives. You could not force them to learn to walk or to eat solids or to roll over, and this is no different. You prepare the environment for their success, you communicate repeatedly what is happening throughout the process, and you remain their confident guide. You've got this.
*Learning to use the toilet while sleeping is physiological and is not a part of this process. Children at this age are not typically able to control their bodies while they are sleeping, wake up in time to communicate their need to go, and make it to the toilet in time. This process is best done later on when the child is waking up consistently from sleep with a dry diaper. However, some parents choose to do day and night time toileting at the same time. I will not be writing about night time toilet learning here as it is not something I personally recommend or have experience with.
**Also to note, this is written in terms of the average neurotypical child. There is a wide range in which children will show readiness to begin toilet learning. As with all things, follow the child in front of you. If after several weeks of starting after a perceived readiness, you feel like the process is creating a negative connotation with the toilet because of a lack of success and both parental and child frustration, take a break. Allow a few weeks to pass and then slowly try again.
So now that you have determined your child is ready, what do you do? This is not as black and white as some "experts" may think. In fact, most toileting "experts" have varying opinions on the best way to go about this process. Why? Because like any process that "experts" weigh in on, they are speaking about their own experience along with their own knowledge of the "average" child (whatever that means), and not of your specific child with you as their prepared adult guide. I will instead give you a framework for how it could look, but as with all things related to working with children- you should follow the child in front of you. This will also NOT look like me telling you how to "train" your child in three days using treats and other means of coercion. This may sound harsh, but your child is not a dog and, therefore, I will not be speaking of training children. Rather, I will be helping you to become the prepared adult they need to help them navigate this process in their lives. I digress...
Once you have established that your child is ready and that you are ready to guide them, I would choose a time when you have several consecutive days to stay home and focus on this. If you do not have this flexibility it does not mean that you cannot or will not have success, it just means the process may take longer, you will need to give yourself and your child more grace, and you will have to be flexible in the times when you do have the time.
Once you have decided to begin, you can either choose to keep them fully naked from the waist down, bottomless in a dress, or in underwear to start out. I personally take the route of training underwear (Gerber Training undies) that are just a little bit thicker to hold some of the flow when they don't make it to the toilet in time (known in the Montessori community as misses). However, we have also gone bare bottom when we run out of underwear or when it just feels most convenient. Like I said, do what feels right for you in your home environment. I have never personally used Pull-Ups and have heard that they can delay the process. I cannot speak on this from experience, but I would stay away from them if given the choice.
When your child has a miss, you can sportscast or simply say what you see. "Oh your legs are wet and the ground is wet. You peed. Pee goes in the potty." Then, you would take them over to the potty and let them sit for as long as they would like. During this time, I like to read books about toileting or sing some songs together. Some Montessorians shy away from books or anything else outside of the act of toileting to keep it as natural as possible; however, we want this to feel like a joyful, low pressure experience so I personally choose things like books and songs that bring some joy. I keep special books about toileting in a basket next to their potty for them to look at and to really focus on this experience in the same way an adult might keep magazines in the bathroom or scroll through their phone while using the toilet. Sometimes you just simply need something to pass the time as you wait. However, I personally draw the line at toys or books about unrelated topics that might distract from the toileting experience.
As the child sits, they may pee or poop on the toilet. If they are successful, I would just again sportscast or say what you see. "I see you peed/pooped in the potty!" or whatever feels natural to you. The idea is to not clap, cheer, or have major fanfare around using the toilet. If that isn't the kind of energy you plan to bring to every toileting experience from then on, I wouldn't make it a big to do. In the same way we don't give physical rewards for using the toilet, we also don't give verbal rewards. You can certainly be happy about it, but you don't want them to expect a whole parade everytime they find success on the toilet. That may lead to setbacks later on when they inevitably stop receiving this type of praise. After all, this is a natural process and a natural part of life.
Once they are all done sitting on the toilet, you would help them to wipe and then they may flush the toilet, or pour the contents of the potty bowl into your larger toilet and flush. Then, you would assist them in washing their hands and then go in search of any of the miss left on the floor. I personally keep a spray bottle filled with water and white vinegar and a roll of paper towels close by for this. If it is pee, I allow them to spray and wipe the puddle and then I take a turn after to make sure it is truly clean. If it is poop, I have them observe. After, we both clean our hands again and put any soiled clothing in a basket I keep for this in the bathroom. At the end of the day (or when we have run out of clean underwear), we take that basket up to the laundry room and my child will dump the soiled clothing into the washing machine and help me to start it. By helping to clean the miss and the soiled clothing, they are learning the natural consequence (not in a punishment sense, but in more of a cause and effect lesson) of having a miss.
This process will repeat over and over as your child begins to make mini milestones over time showing an increased awareness and control of their body. Some mini milestones you will see happen over time are:
-They will soon be able to tell you that they are going as it is happening.
-They will be able to "stop the flow" so to speak once they start to have a miss and let you know.
-They will stop the miss just as it starts and move their bodies to the bathroom.
-They will feel it just before anything comes out and let you know.
-They will feel it just before anything comes and get to the toilet.
-They will feel it, go to the bathroom, and pull down their underwear.
-They will feel it, go to the bathroom, pull down their underwear, and sit down all before they let it out.
Once you have reached these last few steps, you know there is an awareness that there wasn't before. At this time, I like to focus on practicing pushing down and pulling up their underwear regularly so this isn't the thing that causes them to miss.
The other factor to consider when guiding your child to use the toilet is time and observation. As with all facets of Montessori, observing the child in front of you is key in being their guide. On the first few days of this process, if you carefully observe your child, you will learn two things. Their "tell" or their body movements leading up to their bladder or bowel needing to empty (mine have done some version of a wiggle and bringing their thighs together before all misses). The other things is about how long they typically go between misses and the times of day when they go most often. This will give you insight into when you should invite them to sit on the potty. You want them to find success to start to learn what it feels like when that urge to go comes on and what it feels like to successfully go in to the potty. Over time, those milestones will happen because they can feel those signs happening within themselves and they know just what to do. Some people find comfort in setting timers, but I like to personally just keep an eye on the clock. If it has been longer than the typical timeframe they go within, I invite them over. If they did not seem to fully empty their bladder when they sat last time, I might invite them over on the earlier end this time to help them find as much success as possible.
The key is also that you are inviting them to come sit on the potty never forcing. If your child chooses not to sit and then has a miss, you can reflect on that when sportscasting what happened. Your child does not want to have a miss so this may help them to choose to sit. Sometimes if I feel like there is some resistance to wanting to go, I will go sit on the big toilet and invite them to sit across from me. That solidarity of being in it together often helps. If they have an older sibling, they may invite them over as well as they sit across from them.
Most likely before you feel ready, you will need to leave your house with your child. This may make you feel a sense of panic or maybe that was just my experience? Either way, I have some suggestions to hopefully ease your fears. No matter what you choose, invite your child to sit on the potty before you leave the house and as soon as you arrive at your destination. While out, keep your eye on the clock and invite them to use the potty very regularly to honor the work they are doing at home and give them that consistency they need to continue on in the process.
Once you leave the house, you have several options:
1. If they are early on in the process and are still just about fully emptying their bladder when they miss, I would put a diaper on them if you will be in the car or if you will be without toilet access for a long time. Keep a portable potty in the trunk of your car to pull over if they do vocalize that they need to go so you can stop and allow them to sit on it. This is definitely not convenient or easy, but this is an important part of the process. They are learning to listen to their body and so you must honor that as well.
2. You can put them in underwear with a plastic diaper cover over them if they have been vocalizing their need to go or making it to the potty more frequently. This will contain small misses if they are unable to hold it before you are able to stop. Again, if they ask you to stop so they can go, stop as fast as you can safely and allow them to go.
3. You can do whatever feels most natural to you or whatever your comfort level is. Whatever that looks like, always make sure they try to go before leaving, upon arriving to the destination, and frequently while out even if you choose to use a diaper. The diaper should be a "just in case" and not something for your child to freely use. While that may be easier, that will definitely make the process as a whole take longer. However, if that is what makes your outing feel less stressful and is necessary for that outing, then of course do what feels right. The goal again is for both you and your child to remain calm and see this as a normal, positive experience. The more tense energy you bring to it, the more they will push back and feel stressed about it.
Let me start off by saying that my children have never had a specific issue with pooping on the potty. In fact, they make it to the potty to poop way more often than peeing. I could potentially see two reasons why this may occur for other families- control and constipation.
When I say control, I mean that controlling your bowels is typically much easier than holding in urine. If your child is trying to test their limits or push boundaries around toileting, then holding in their poop may be the way they are doing it. This may mean that you are putting a lot of pressure on them to use the toilet frequently, you are stressed about the experience making them stressed, or that they are going through a developmental leap where they are seeking control and power in any area of their life they are capable of controlling. If you suspect this is the case, I would back off and examine yourself. Get curious about what you may be doing that may be causing you to be in a power struggle with your toddler.
Are you asking them every 7 minutes if they have to use the bathroom? Instead buy a timer if you want to keep track of them being invited to go regularly and let the timer tell them it is time instead of their nagging parent.
Are you telling them to try to poop everytime they sit on the potty? Stop and take a breath. You cannot will them into pooping.
Are you talking about their poop or lack thereof with a spouse, grandparent, friend? This may give them anxiety, stress, embarrassment, or anger around this topic and may cause them to push back. Instead confide in your village about your concerns when your child is not present.
Are you worrying about it constantly? They can most likely feel it. Take a breath. They most likely will not be able to hold it in forever.
The other thing that may be happening is constipation or discomfort around trying to get it out of them. If you suspect this is the case (which may also happen from constantly trying to hold it in), make sure they hydrate extra, eat extra fibrous foods, and get plenty of time to run around outside. These may seem easier said than done, but it can be surprising how a diet change or a change in the types of foods you are regularly offering your child can make the difference. For example, my children are vegan and have never struggled with constipation and I also have not since becoming vegan. This is not a plug to become vegan, but rather a reflection on foods you might invite your child to eat more regularly if they seem to be constantly constipated.
As I have stated, this has never been something that my children have struggled with so I do not have any personal experience on this to draw from. If this becomes a real concern of yours, you should contact your child's pediatrician about their ideas for how to best help your specific child.
If you retain nothing else from this post about toilet learning, I want you to hear and internalize this one thing. Toilet learning is NOT a linear process. Just because you have success day four, does not mean day seven won't bring you a day full of misses. Just because your child hasn't had a miss in a week, doesn't mean they won't have three tomorrow. Just because your child is three and hasn't been in diapers since they were one doesn't mean they won't have a week where they have daily misses.
If we think of toilet learning as any other thing our children learn to do, we might find the empathy in us to reframe the way we think about toilet learning. When you child first learns to walk, they may fall a lot. Over time, they fall less but it doesn't mean they won't fall again and it doesn't mean they won't have a day full of trips and falls. We would never shame or blame a child for tripping and falling, so that should be the same way we view toilet learning. No shame and no blame. They are responsible for cleaning any mess (or to help if they can't independently), putting their soiled clothes where they belong, and redressing (as well as they can). As my daughter would say, they "are still learning" and cannot be blamed or shamed into not having regressions. Instead, we must view these moments as a time for reflection as to what might be the root cause of the regression to help them work through whatever is causing it.
There are a variety of reasons why your child might be having toileting regressions. Most people associate toileting regressions with big life changes (like a new sibling, a move, or something else just as big). However, do you remember all of those "sleep regressions" your child experienced as a baby that was your child having a developmental leap? Well, your child will still be having these but, from my experience, these often show up as either a sleep or a toileting regression (or more likely both). I also personally notice them around birthdays and times when they are showing power struggles throughout the rest of their day. Another one that I know has happened to me and countless others was when a new sibling becomes mobile. The list could go on and on as to why your specific child is having a toileting regression. However, like most seasons in parenting, the regression goes as soon as it comes. They won't forget how to use the bathroom and need to be retaught. They will one day just stop having misses and go back to toileting as they were before.
If you haven't heard by now, parenting is journey of many, many seasons. This season of toilet learning is a challenging one, but like all parenting seasons, this one will pass. Before you know it, your child will be using the toilet and you will look back on these days and laugh (or cry depending on how stressed this experience made you). Let's choose joy and let's be the confident, prepared adult guide your toddler needs you to be in this season of life.
If you are interested in learning more about toilet learning than I shared here, I have a few resources I would encourage you to explore which may answer some more of your questions.
Podcasts:
Shelf Help- An Introduction to Montessori Potty Learning
Montessori Moms in the Wild- Potty in the USA
Montessori Moms in the Wild- What to Do if Things Go Wrong
Courses:
The Montessori Notebook Toileting Course
Radicle Beginnings Live Webinar
Books:
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